Suzanne: 'Accepted, respected and protected'

Suzanne at Chester Pride, August 2022

We came to Open Table as allies, to express our support and love and respect. And we still come to do all of those things and more.

I instinctively knew that this was where God was leading me; to a place where I could be accepted, loved, respected and protected.

I had been waiting in church settings for more than 50 years before I received the Open Table invitation to ‘Come as you are’!

My spiritual journey before that was a long and winding road . Many times I’d felt alone, and many times I’d cried. To say that I’ve had a challenging time in many different places and denominations would be an understatement.

I am a straight, neurodiverse woman of faith, and a survivor of abuse. I have such a deeply troubled background that I find I have more than a double portion of love for anyone who has been marginalised, discriminated against, victimised, or worse.

Thankfully I always wanted to be part of an army of wounded helpers, to be better and not bitter.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 40 years, and he has been my rock and very much part of God’s plan to rescue and redeem me.

It was a particular source of sorrow for my husband that we were unable to worship together for many years, because of painful bullying experiences I had in several churches, which kept me from returning. Without Open Table and the safety therein, we simply wouldn’t be able to worship or take Communion together. And that has been such a blessing.

It’s hard to express our deep gratitude for Open Table’s sustained welcome and hospitality, and your acceptance of all of us, with all the diversity we bring to the table.

 My poem below has been re-drafted many times since I first wrote it this year. I was determined to edit out any bitterness whilst retaining some of the hard truths. It’s quite a fine line to be emotionally honest and understanding without listing wrongs, I do hope that I got it right… I think that the poem is ultimately about redemption and hope. Despite whatever life throws at us, there’s always an opportunity to begin again…

Life after life 

I look at my life through the unshuttered lens of redemptive love
I am grateful for all that I can see 
And for all those things, that are still unseen
And yet ‘Why me?’
The answer came - ‘I needed you. Only you.
To stand your ground’

And so…
The chains of old begin to fall away 
And we can be strong to face another day
Away
From the derogatory, the discriminatory 
The indignity and ignominy 
No more second hand duty
A second chance at beauty
Casting aside those beaten up dreams and unspoken despair
Yet still asking the question ‘Am I beyond repair?’

Praying and hoping for a little less broken 
From harsh words mis-spoken
When love was just a token
Emotions that were frozen, followed by explosions
Precious times stolen
Finding myself on a pathway not chosen
Those unfair projections, distorted perceptions 
Lofty expectations, then abandonments, rejections
Withholding of affection, not accepting the direction
Of our lives well lived, and full of love.

And slowly we are mending 
The garden of our hearts… may need tending 
And for some of us, it could be said -
Forgiveness is still pending.
We have our friendships never ending, commitments unbending 
God’s constant Love transcending
A beginning not an ending.

I came to Open Table with fragments of faith
Gathered them together in a light filled space
With an open hand you have offered us grace
For the first time forever I don’t feel out of place 
Safe

And so…
No ropes, no ties, no chains remain
To tether me to my past
Enough now. Begin again 
Seeking peace
At last! 

And above all, thank you. Thank you for sharing your rainbow with us!