‘This is my story’ is an occasional series of short devotions, based around the Bible, the experiences of Open Table members, reflection and prayer.

This month, Alan Harbottle reflects on his search for Christian perfection and how he has learned to trust that he is good enough.

Readings

You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

- Matthew 5:43-48 (NIV)

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning - the sixth day.

- Genesis 1:31 (NIV)

Reflection

Growing up in a traditional Pentecostal church, I was encouraged to live up to God’s standard of perfection. However, I had an emerging awareness that I was attracted to masculinity. In that church, this was considered the opposite of God’s perfection for me. I therefore saw myself as broken and in need of fixing.

I was convinced that a church ministry in Liverpool would fix me and help me return to the ‘perfect will of God’. This became a driving force in my life. I accepted a demotion in my teaching career, stepped down from a role in my local church and moved ‘up north’, ready to change.

I stuck to the programme for five years. It was gay ‘conversion therapy’ and, although I had hoped it would help me, it did more harm than good. In the end, the perfection that I was looking for never came, and I was actually asked to leave the church!

The writer of Matthew has Jesus telling his listeners to be perfect. How is that possible? The scribes and Pharisees had developed rules to help them be perfect, but even they were rebuked by Jesus.

We see in the passage that God blesses every person with the sun and rain they need to live, without exception. It doesn’t discriminate based on their background, attitudes or attainment. Jesus explains that being perfect demands mirroring God’s radical welcome. We are called to emulate God’s perfect love.

As a person who has been deeply wounded by churches, I’m challenged to be compassionate and gracious towards both those who have been loving and accepting and those who have caused me harm. For many Christians, this is an ongoing and enduring challenge, and it’s not easy.

For me, I was seeking to be ‘perfect’ by changing who I was, or who I was attracted to. Instead, my ‘perfection’ is found in truly loving everyone.

Reflect for a moment:

• God labelled creation ‘very good’ because of its very nature. Do you see that label in yourself too?

• Who in your life is it most difficult to see as ‘very good’?

• How can God help you offer radical love and grace to them today?

Prayer

Perfect God,
Perfect Love,
Perfect Compassion,
Perfect Grace!
Thank you that you see me
as ‘very good’.
Help me to see myself
as you see me.
Be my strength as I seek
to love ‘insiders’ and ‘outsiders’
and to grow in compassion
and grace.
Heal my past
and make me perfect
as you, my Heavenly parent,
are perfect.
Amen.

Alan’s devotion has been inspired in part by the book We make the road by walking by Brian McLaren.

Author

Alan Harbottle (he/him) was part of Open Table in Liverpool for several years until returning to Essex and joining Oasis Church Waterloo, an LGBT+ affirming community. Alan was a primary teacher for 25 years but is now exploring work in adult education and the charity sector.