IN the fifth of a series of reflections for Pride Month, Suzanne from Open Table Chester shares a poem which ‘describes my struggle with finding identity’:

The girl inside of me

I miss the girl I used to be
When I lived for just a moment, and dreamt of being free
When I kicked hard for the surface and started to breathe.
Before they came with the night
And stole
My identity
Trampled on vulnerability
Barely there self-esteem was stripped from me
Drip by drip
Whipped by tyranny
When they locked me in my inner world
And threw away the key.

I miss the girl I was meant to be
Carefree
Allowing my long hair to lift in the breeze
Skimming stones and scraping my knees
Teaching myself to climb up trees
Daydreams and daisy chains, permission to be
Allowed to be pretty
No responsibility.
She got lost, in the fog
Of unseen tyranny, misogyny
Condemnation. Parentification. Humiliation. Exploitation.

I miss the one I wanted to be
The girl with the curls who managed to break free
Who made her own way, and built her self esteem
Finding herself and vocation within.

Yet they never found my pot of gold
They failed to wound my soul
Or strip it bare, without a care
For humanity within
Safe under the arc of the rainbow 🌈 of hope
Leaving behind the miserable yoke.

Eyes now open wide and ears to hear the lies
I start to live outside
My own head
Full to the brim with enormous pride
For the extraordinary people
Who have loved me back to life.

My family of choice
The tough love of fierce friends
The unbroken circles
Of love that never ends
No longer will I bend over
backwards
To make amends
For other people’s diffidence
Hatred and indifference
Shown by those
Who can only pretend.

Now droplets of joy
Come to me
Intermittently
Unexpectedly
In unlikely moments of crystal clarity
A rarity
My soliloquy.

I’m learning to love the woman I’ve become
Bruised and scarred but no longer numb
Now true to myself, my life has begun
A new song can be sung
And it goes like this...

Oh little girl lost, you listen to me
I’ve found the key
And I’m setting you free
I’m teaching you “to be”
To know that we are worthy
Of the love we deserve
In harmony
Spirit running free
Living down by the sea
This is me.

- Suzanne H